This is my space on the net. I had had become too public, this one has to be more private. If you're reading this because I've given you the address, then I really really trust you with my life. If you're here coz you stumbled upon this or because someone who knows about it told you,its just disgusting if you stay here any longer. This blog is my private space, something I can call my own. Its a place where I'm going to rant and rave, curse and swear, express love and other such emotions. Basically this blog is just me on the net.All of me.As much of me that I myself actually understand...

I keep thinking about the future, about life, and what I want out of
it. I keep thinking about us and what this relationship means to me. I
keep thinking about these things and I realize they go hand in hand.
This relationship is my future; it's what I want out of life. I want
to grow old with you. I want to experience this crazy love forever and
ever, and I'm really going to get it. I want us to walk
through our new houses picking the one that would be just right for us. I
want to see you walk around our house in a big t-shirt with your hair
down and catch me staring at how gorgeous you are. I want you to pull
the covers off me at night and then I have to get even closer, if it's
possible, to you to keep warm. I want to see you laugh like crazy at
me when I do stupid stuff. I want to have a child with
you and go through the experiences of parenthood with you. I want to
see you and me chasing our little kid around the house, all three of
us laughing our heads off and having fun. I want to hold you when you
cry and smile. I want to fall asleep every
night with you in my arms. I want you to fall asleep on my chest
listening to the beat of my heart and know it beats for you I want you
to be the first thing I see when I wake up and the last thing I see
when I go to sleep. I want to see your bad morning hair; I think it
will be so cute. I want to sit on the beach with you and watch the sun
set, and I want all the people who pass us to envy the love that we
obviously have for each other.

I want to see you walk down that isle and I want to take your hand for
the rest of my life. I want to be thirty years old and still make out with you like
a little schoolboy. I want to cook a meal with you and us totally ruin
it and end up doing take out. I want to sit there talking to you for
hours about nothing at all but in the same time everything or maybe we
won't talk at all and just grin at each other realising how lucky we
are. I want you to get mad at me for doing something stupid, and I
want you to bust out laughing when you try to yell at me.
I want to take trips with you to places we've
never been and experience them together. I want
us to go and pick out the hot tub we want with the biggest grins on
our faces the whole time. I want the sales rep to get embarrassed when
we sit in them and make sure we have enough room to do the things we
want to do. I want to hold your hand and let you scream at me while
you bring our child into this world. I want our friends to come over
and get totally jealous because they don't share a love like we do. I
want to be walking into a store with you and trip and fall on my face
and turn around to see you rolling on the ground laughing at me. I
want us to run outside in the rain and act like total kids getting
completely soaked, and when we come back in stripping down to nothing
as we stumble into the bedroom, or the kitchen counter, or the
balcony, or the dining room table, or the shower,
which ever one we feel like at the time.

I want it to take your breath away every time I say, "I love you"
because you know it's coming from the heart. I want us to be sitting
there and watching our child take their first steps from my arms into
yours. I want us to sit down with a box of strawberries, a bottle of
chocolate syrup, and a thing of mint chocolate ice cream; well, I'll
let my imagination finish that one and waiting for it to come true.
I want to love you and be with you for forever. I couldn't really
express in words what I'm feeling right now so I decided to share with
you SOME of the images and thoughts that have been running through my
head.

I just want you to know that I had never found someone I wanted to
spend the rest of my life with until I met you. I'm really crazy
about you, everything about you.

The days are slipping by and i can hardly control this flow of my life. I hate this..I hate the way things seemed to happen in a slow trickle when the year started only to end up as a deceiving prelude to my life now which gushes and flows rapidly like torrents of water through a dam broken down. I can hardly react, can hardly feel...the flow of things numb all feelings as situations are thrust upon me one after the other. I flow in and out of my days, allowing momentary joy to capture my mind's attention for i find only unwillingeness to deal with the matters at hand. Which in itself I can't define..lost in an onslaught of my own emotions. Then again, emotions are just that- feelings. Its better than having to deal with the cold, hard truths of life which are dealt to me blow after blow and yet, life must go on. It clenches my fists like wrought iron chains and my weight is dragged along by the carriage of life which moves at full speed to which i simply can't match up to hence I am mercileesly dragged along the bumpy roads. I can't even stand on my own two feet for alas! I have no time to stand even. Why do i keep looking for excuses? Why does my mind keep wandering and dwelling on issues that seem non-important, to the world at least not to me? Is the world really out to suffocate me or is it just pinching my throat just a little for it cares too much to allow me to suffocate without warning me first?Its a downward spiral of actions, doings, feelings and my reactions to them.Every once in awhile I calm my raging pessismism and try to shuffle my feet, but each time I fall flat on my face and each fall more painful than the former. I've got to WAKE UP! What am I doing? What am i saying? If reality is harsh, so be it. Its better facing it now rather than spending my days in fantastical dreams only to have that very same reality hit me hard one day...it will eventually so why not now? Sometimes all i need is someone to say that they believe in me...and truly mean what they say, every word of it. People come, people go...people say things but just as you allow the positive enrgy to rush in, u realise that it was all a fantasy that the mind conjured. I know i shouldn't rely on people to make or break me...my life essentially, being the year that it is. But sometimes I can't help thinking that alll these thoughts would vanish like quicksand if that special someone would just wrap her arms around me and tell me she loves me....then perhaps i would believe in myself

As I rest my head to sleep each night,
I wish you were to be by myside,
To have and to hold until the break of light,
Not thinking of you is so hard, I have tried!

When does this night without you end?
Still dreaming of the day to be with you,
It is like stabbing my heart with a pen,
At least my love for you is forever true.

I think of you mostly through my dreams,
Like a never-ending rhyme,
It is like the running water of a stream,
Never stops until the end of time.

I love you with all my heart,
Then I ask myself why?
Maybe its because you are my heart
But am I the perfect guy?

This night is not a night with out you,
So please do not let me wait no longer,
I cannot go on and makes me blue,
But my love for you is getting stronger

I'm not another brick In the wall,
I'm the stars in the sky.

I have come a long way, from years of suffering and struggle
just to get a recognition in this harsh world
where you strive and strive making people believe that
even you have your own identity, even you can do something.

The agonies I suffered long back still remain with me,
haunting me, torturing me, bringing back the days,
I cried upon my failure, pondering over my future,
losing all my perseverance and control of myself,
but I had to strengthen myself to be once again seen by this world,
face its wrath, show people that even I can recover from my failures
and gather the courage to fight back and try to gain what I aimed for,
long back before my failures, I could achieve at least something
if not everything
with my hard work and dedication,
my pertinacity and the spirit to win in any circumstance,
in any dreadful situation,
to fulfill my dreams and give color to them as my wishes do
and no doubt, at last I have attained so much I wanted to,
but hopes still remain aspiring high as they are,
one day to touch the skies!